


you will always have a place in my heart

by choi_kimmy



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Universe, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 08:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9811307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choi_kimmy/pseuds/choi_kimmy
Summary: Tsunade finally braves herself to visit Jiraiya's grave again.





	

 

Tsunade doesn’t remember when was the last time she visited him, but she reckons it was at least a year or so ago.

 _It’s not like I have nothing better to do than hang out in a cemetery,_ she tries to comfort herself, despite the guilt that is settling in her stomach. _I was the damn Hokage, for crying out loud._ An excuse she is all too familiar with—a long time ago, when Naruto had asked her if she visited his grave, she had given him that exact excuse. _I’m busy, Naruto._ And naturally, Naruto had turned livid, upset at her seemingly non-caring attitude towards his mentor, _her_ teammate. _The least you could do is to pay some respect!_ Naruto had yelled before he stalked off, slamming the door behind him. She remembers not blaming him for his outburst.

In all honesty, Tsunade could have snuck out in between her duties. She could have sacrificed some sleep, maybe, just to bring some flowers or alcohol for him. Naruto had every right to be angry, it really _wasn’t_ that hard to drop by. The truth was glaring, at least, for her. She didn’t visit him not because she couldn’t. It was because she didn’t want to.

 _You understand, right?_ She asks, placing an empty cup on the tombstone. _You forgive me, right?_ She continues, pouring sake into that cup, and then into another for herself. She kneels, raising her cup. _Of course you would, you always would._

And she knows for a matter of fact, that she is right. Jiraiya always had the biggest heart in their team, after all. He would be the quickest to forgive his old friend for not visiting him more often than he would have hoped. _You’re a busy woman, Hime, why bother?_ She imagines he would say that to her, if he is still alive today. She quivers, forcing herself to swallow the lump that is latching onto her throat.

She notices the fresh flowers on the ground— it doesn’t take long to know who brought them. She knew she could count on Naruto to carry out his visiting duty obediently, unlike her. Heck, she didn’t even bring him any flowers today.

 _You didn’t, but you brought alcohol. That’s even better._ Tsunade scoffs in response to that.

“Naruto’s a legend, now. Do you know that? A war hero.” She asks aloud as she takes a sip of sake. “A lot happened while you were gone. For one, you must be wondering why I’m here drinking alcohol in broad daylight, right?”

 _Please, if someone would drink alcohol any time, any where, it would be you, Hime._ She could almost hear his reply, and she doesn’t know what to feel, so she continues. 

“I’m no longer the Hokage. Kakashi is.” She puts it out nonchalantly, with great ease. She never asked for that position, anyway. She is more than happy to retire. “You don’t have to worry about this village anymore, since it’s now in great hands.”

_As if it wasn’t already._

_Better hands, then_. She shakes her head, smiling. “So I guess you’ll be seeing me more often now.” _I don’t have anymore excuse to use, anyway._ “I hope you aren’t tired of me, yet.”

 _Sheesh, if anyone is tired of anyone, it would be you to me._  

“That’s _not_ true.” She chides, her smile turning into a frown. “You were the last person I’d—“ There is a long pause, her head suddenly bowed low.

She didn’t want to visit him because of this. Couldn’t bring herself to accept the reality she is now living in—a world without her best friend, without all that annoying remarks or teasing he would give her.

Tsunade fixes her gaze on the grass and wills herself not to blink—she doesn’t want him to see her cry, she hasn’t cried for a long time now, and she isn’t going to now. Not in front of his damn tombstone, anyway.

The tears spill, regardless, and she’s suddenly frustrated, _angry._ One thing, just _one bloody thing_ and she couldn’t do it. She’d bottled up her feelings for far too long—she’s angry at herself for being so weak, angry at the universe for hating her, for being so adamant in making sure she’s never happy, for taking away all the people she loved. Then she’s angry at him, for leaving, for accepting his duty, for being so courageous and _goddamn loyal_ to Konohagakure. Why couldn’t he be selfish for once? Why couldn’t he have just walked away from the mission? Why couldn’t he—

The list is endless, and she hates herself for being like this. He had died in service to the village, he had died a hero —she should be thankful, thankful for having such a heroic best friend, thankful that Konohagakure was blessed with such a loyal follower. But it’s difficult to be thankful, she knows this deep down in her heart, when she had lost so much in the process. Nawaki, Dan, and now, even Jiraiya. What had she done in her past life to deserve this, she has no idea.

“Naruto is getting married, by the way.” She wipes the tears away and forces a smile on her lips.  She changes the topic easily, to something that was happier and lighter, so that she would stop crying. “You would never have expected that, right? That kid, falling in love. He’s marrying the Hyuuga girl, Hinata.”

In that silence, she could almost hear his laughter, it would be his response to her statement. 

“Like I said, a lot has happened in your absence.” Tsunade remembers the war, remembers all the lives that were taken away. She remembers her dream, remembers seeing all her loved ones in it, remembers that her dream was better than the reality she lived in, where she no longer had anyone she could depend on. “And Naruto, that boy, he has grown so much. People are expecting him to be the next Hokage, yknow. I just…I just wish you could see it.”

 

She raises her cup of sake again before bringing it to her lips. “Tsk, it’s been such a long time since i actually drank in peace without any worry.”

Silence. As she expected. Tsunade grins, and continues her monologue. 

 

“I’m getting old now. I can’t drink that much, anymore. Just so you know, I blame you. How was I supposed to keep up with drinking if I no longer had a drinking buddy?” She tsks again, shaking her head. “Plus these days, Shizune is too busy attending to both Sakura _and_ Kakashi. She’s gone far too, that girl. I’m proud.”

_And incredibly lonely. If you were still around—_

“I saw Orochimaru the other day. Geez, he looks even more youthful than me.” She grimaces, not wanting to know what he had done to remain that appearance. “He’s just about the same, if you’re wondering. He has picked up a new hobby, apparently, _cloning_. But not to worry, I think he knows  best not to mess around with the village again.”

Orochimaru, despite all the horrible things he had done, could possibly be the only thing left of hers that reminded her of her past. He doesn’t hang around much in the village, knowing all the wary eyes which would follow his every step. It is a shame, she would have wanted to patch things up with her old friend, considering that if Jiraiya was still alive, he would probably want to do the same. 

 

“Hey, Jiraiya?” His name feels foreign on her tongue, despite it being one of the most familiar things she could ever hold on to. “I’m sorry.”

Tsunade has committed many mistakes in her past, but none amounted to this. It pulls the strings of her heart heavily for the longest of time, the sorrow growing and growing until she no longer felt anything. She is sorry she had to send him to his death. Sorry she never got to sort out her feelings. Sorry she had kept him waiting. Jiraiya, he was a man of honour and words, strong, courageous and fiercely loyal. Unlike her, she figures that the only mistake he had committed was to love her all those years, and believing he wasn’t meant to have a happy ending. 

She will always be sorry she couldn’t give him that. It wasn’t fair to him—Jiraiya, he deserved better. He deserved the best. He deserved someone who could give him her whole heart, for all that she would get in return. And that person, Tsunade is always so sure of, wouldn’t and shouldn’t be her.

That acknowledgement though, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Because, while she believed she could only have loved Dan alone, she had grown to love Jiraiya.  Through thick and thin, he was always there for her. He never asked for anything in return, and it hurts Tsunade that until his last breath, he was always that selfless, protective and loving man who would prioritise everyone else first except himself. Maybe it’s a different type of love, who knows, but the fact is there and it is clear. She loved Dan. _But she loved Jiraiya, too_. It’s a constant battle in her heart, a conflict that would always be endless and melancholic.

“God, I’m the most selfish person, aren’t I?” Tsunade mutters to herself, her voice laced with bitter and disbelief. _You don’t deserve this sort of uncertainty._

She pours more sake into her cap, stalling as much time as possible. She wishes she could just hear his voice again, or see that stupid smile he would wear on his face whenever he was up to no good. But it isn’t going to happen, and she is forced to brush her wish aside. 

“What else do you want to know?” She heaves a sigh, suddenly tired. “I can’t think of anything else to tell you.” She isn’t used to not being busy. She used to complain how being a Hokage took up too much of her time, and there never was any time for herself. It was always the village, or the people, or the other villages, or the people of the other villages. When was the last time she had awarded herself with time solely for herself, she didn’t remember. She used to tell him, or Shizune, when this was all over, when she has passed the hat down to someone else, she would appreciate all the free time to herself. Maybe she could finally continue that abandoned dream of hers to travel around the world and gamble her nights away. Or maybe she could just sleep the whole day, it really doesn’t matter.

But the irony in this is that now, when she finally has all the time in the world, when no one really had to depend on her anymore, when she could finally, for once, look after herself and do whatever the hell she wanted, Tsunade came to a realisation that all this free time, they are _pointless._ Pointless, because she doesn’t even have anyone to spend that time with. Pointless, because she is all alone.

“I really—“ Tsunade stops herself, swallowing her sorrows, her pain. It finally comes off as a whisper; “I miss you.”

The leaves rustle, the wind caresses her cheeks gently, her long locks dances around her throat. She looks at his tombstone, feels her heart aching—she reckons it will never not ache—and she forces herself, one last time, to smile.

She could almost hear him in the sound of the wind, his voice soft and light, the hints of him smiling back. If she closes her eyes, she could almost, _almost,_ see his eyes crinkling in adoration, in fondness of the being in front of him.

_I miss you too, Tsunade._

 

_—_

_(f i n)_

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this when I saw a mangacap of Tsunade by Jiraiya's grave, about a year ago, but I never got around to actually writing it until lately. If there is any inconsistencies of facts, since this fic is supposed to be canon!post war, I apologise. I haven't been very updated with Naruto in a long time, but since jiratsu is my ultimate of all anime OTPs, it's hard to really move on so here I am. I hope you enjoyed reading this one-shot, though I'm not sure if there are still people who's reading jiratsu (lol).


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